Her Conflictions
by 13SVUlover
Summary: Picks up at the end of Beast's Obsession. First chapter explains Olivia's thoughts and feelings. What would happen if William Lewis actually would've had his way with Olivia? What about Amelia? Will he actually kill himself? How will Lewis continue his wrath? Trust me he will. Olivia and Serena Benson are more alike than you think.
1. Chapter 1

CH. ONE

"Clear" "You mind?" "I'll be right outside."

I lock myself in the stall and check my phone. It was a picture of Amelia strung up like meat in a freezer. Perhaps that's all she was to Lewis, something he'll easily devour if given time. I knew his intensions, and I wasn't going to let anyone else get hurt for me, especially a child.

Slipping my detail was easy Detective Infidelity wouldn't take his eyes off of the others breasts. She was picking up every cliché line he put down. I guess it worked on his wife, why not her?

Once I got outside I saw a man in a town car. "Hey, Police get out of the car!" I said. As I drove away he spouted off some words of aggravation, but I was too busy taking William Lewis' bait to care.

I followed his instructions via text to a quarry which was empty at this hour. I wondered if my squad knows that I'm missing yet, hopefully they do and they're not far behind. I step out of the car looking for him. "Lewis. I'm here. Where's the girl?" I turn around to once again look down the barrel of Lewis' gun. "Put your hands in the air Olivia". I hated the way he said my name, he made it feel like poison. "What do you want?" I asked. I wanted to get as much as I can from him, so I cannot perjure myself again.

He was quick to getting back to where he left off from last time. _Last time. _I shudder as he tosses my gun and continues to pat me down, copping a feel when he pleases. He then pulls my hair out of its tie before he takes my vest off. He enjoys each layer he takes off, so he can aggressively grab my breasts. Next he tosses my phone. A look of disappointment crosses my face because it was new, I have more important things to worry about. Lewis snapped me out of my thoughts and back to reality when he said "You know what, I think I'll keep the radio, that way they can hear you scream when they're looking for ya". As he securely fastened the handcuffs I asked him where the girl was. "Let's go for a ride" he said completely overshadowing my question.

Lewis had become a worse driver since last time. _Last time. _This gave me satisfaction as well as fear. I secretly hoped that he would get pulled over. I don't want to be responsible for yet another causality. I just need to find Amelia and do whatever possible to keep her safe from his power.

It's the early hours of the morning by the time we reach our destination. _Our final destination. _What looked like an abandoned factory._ Abandoned, just the way he likes it. _I don't want to send my mind to those places, but I have to. _What has he done to her? Nobody will hear our screams. Will he kill us? _After Lewis claims to be the subject of my dreams, _more like nightmares, _and that all of _his girls _go through it, he assured me that it's nothing to be ashamed of. He uses the same words I have used on countless other victims, some of which were his, against me. Another tactic to get in my head, it's not working. So I retorted, "Yeah? Well whatever you think you did to me, whatever effect you think you have on me, that's in your head". _Not mine, _I reminded him that he could've been in Canada by now, but instead he had to back for me because he's the one that's obsessed. He walked us through his oversized playground of broken windows, graffiti, and pure destruction to some stairs. He stocked up on ass grabs on our way to the second set of stairs. I had enough waiting and taunting. "The girl Lewis, where's the girl?" I said. Little Amelia is what he called her, said he was going to be her first. I reminded him of our agreement. All he had to do was let her go. It would be just the two of us like _last time. _I could fight like I always do, I'd figure something out. _Don't I always? _We get to the top of the last stairs and I see Amelia. I was relieved, but only for a second as I realized that she's still in danger, _We are still in danger. _I'm so emotional that I introduce myself to her as Detective rather than Sergeant. _Hell of an introduction. _She was just relieved to see a face other than Lewis'. Although I'd much rather be anywhere than here, I pleaded with him to just let her go. He had me now. I would do anything to save her from the wrath of William Lewis, and he knew that.

He had all my limbs restrained to the table with duct tape, rope, and my own handcuffs. I told Amelia to turn around and close her eyes. _If only she could plug her ears. _He then groped me in every way possible making his way to my belt. With each skin crawling touch Lewis tore through every boundary I had left. The only things keeping me from being in the exact shoes of the women, men, and children I had consoled for years. The last means of defense I could use to fight him were to not fight at all. He gets off on struggle, and if I don't give him one he'll stop right? _Wrong. _"That's all you're gonna give me?" "I've waited too long for this, I'm not stopping now". My eyes grew dark and silent as the edge of my world had become. I closed my eyes so I could envision any better place than the one I'm in. Dreams of better times are worse than nightmares in their own way. I couldn't escape the hell that his invasion brought. Just like everything else in my life I'll have to live with what my new reality entails. Whenever someone asks if I am okay I'll tell them im fine, when in fact, I'm not. On the inside im screaming for help, help that no one could ever supply. How could they really understand the extension of my pain? They haven't gone to hell and back like I have and this time I'm not sure if I'm coming back. I now have a new understanding of the people that I help every day. The people that have lived through these unimaginable, heinous crimes that no one should have to endure, and now I'm one of them. _Who's going to help me? _With each agonizing thrust I tried to conceal my cries of pain. Some of them manage to slip away into the cold, but not in the sense of temperate and echoing room. Amelia absorbed every one of them and let out her own cry of desperation.

I could hear my mother now: _You should've been more careful Olivia, who cares about the girl? She is someone else's problem to worry about. Just worry about yourself. Look at you now Olivia, you're in the same mess I was in. like mother like daughter. _Lewis put his vile mouth to mine and jammed his tongue down my throat. Before he could get a taste of my tonsils I bit his tongue. All I could taste was blood and smoke. In one swift motion he slammed my face into the table and it was lights out.

I awoke to my body throbbing all over and a pounding headache. My nose was bleeding from the smack down I got from the table. I wasn't out long, the blood was still fresh and flowing. His gun was laying on the table just out of my reach. I tried to move it towards me without earning attention. As I tried to move the table it just stayed there motionless and no amount of effort could move it. Lewis walked in the room. " Ah I see you're awake, too bad you weren't asleep longer or I could've continued the fun with my sweet baby face over here" he said as he stroked Amelia's cheek. She let out a whimper at his touch. "Lewis don't" I said in more of a demanding tone. "You seem to have forgotten who runs things around here" he said as he punched me in the ribs. I let out empty gasps desperate to find air as he decided he wanted to play a new game. _Russian Roulette_. I went along because he threatened to shoot Amelia if I didn't. All I could think about as I put the gun to my head was a drunk Serena Benson saying I told you so with wine on her breath. Mother would put the loaded gun, or in her case a bottle, to her head as I put mine, and like mother like daughter we pulled our triggers at the same time. _Click! Cling! _Nothing. Mother gave me another look of disappointment, I won't be joining her quite yet. Lewis taunted my squad on the radio when they got here about how many chambers were left and the odds. Part of me hoped that they would match up and take me out of my misery, so I wouldn't be a part of this living hell anymore. If that happened it would be just him and Amelia. Who knows how long it would take my team to find us before Lewis could kill her or worse. The other part of me was my defiance to not end up like my mother. _Which at this point was to be dead. _Lewis' last turn finally came and I hoped that this time was the last time. That Lewis could never- _Click!-Shit.  
_

_I've failed everyone.  
_

Lewis grabbed my bloodied face and said,"This is the last thing you are going to think about before you die, the last thing you're going to see". He moved the revolver from my head to his. The last words of William Lewis rang in my head along with the shot that he ended his God- forsaken life with. He used his left hand which was the real weapon that would continue his never ending wrath.

**Thank you for reading. Please review and pass on to others, I appreciate it.**


	2. Chapter 2

CH. TWO

"Liv!" "Sir, you'll have to wait"  
Everything has blurred into one. I had the blood of William Lewis on my face, my clothes, my life. I would say his brains, but that would be a lie. I had spent the last couple of hours being examined. As I was poked and prodded they would flood my already full mind with questions. "What is your blood type?" Although my body had escaped the granary I could not force my mind to. Normally when I have to send myself to a happy place I think of my mother, before she started drinking, _at least in front of me. _I can't send myself there now, I am more like her than I've ever been. I don't want to think about what she would be saying to me if she were here. "Detective?" I snapped out of my thoughts but only for a moment. "It's Sergeant now." "Right, sorry. Now what is..." I faded away again. A male nurse came in to fix my nose and I flipped out. I know he is only guilty of being of the male gender but I couldn't stand to be around any man now, except my partner. Where the hell was he? He would be here by now I know it. "Sir only family is allowed in at this- "Screw you, she is family!" Nick shouted as he pushed by the doctor. He must have heard me flip my shit on the guy nurse. "Liv!" "Hey, where are you liv, come back down to earth." My masculine other half said. I would say I'm fine, but Nick out of all people would know how big of a lie that would be. Even with blood all over my face I would give him that bullshit, but he wouldn't pick it up. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't speak and when he put his arm around me I lost it. I couldn't hold it in anymore and at the touch of Nick Amaro I melted. Once the first tear rolled off my cheek, they would not stop. All my life I had always been alone. Always, even with my mother around.

It feels like everything that I ever had has come crashing down around me and all I can do is watch. My independent life without a single lasting relationship wasn't much but it was something. That was taken from me. "Liv?" _I will never be the same, I am forever changed. _The sense of safety that I previously had was taken from me. My safety relied on a gun, when that was so easily taken from me I had nothing. Fighting only worked for a little while, what normally got me far was worthless at the hands of _Lewis. _"Olivia" "Hey, listen to me, you are safe, Lewis can never hurt you or anyone else ever again." "You hear me?" "Never again" The supportive words of my second partner finally break through my fog. "Yeah, I hear you. I just hope you are right." I said. I wouldn't look him in the eyes, I couldn't, I was too ashamed. Here I am Sergeant Olivia Benson of the NYPD who has the training to kick ass and I can't even protect myself. Why is society so screwed up? Why is it that when something so horrific and heinous happens, the victim is blamed, ashamed and pitied? It should be the other way around. All of the low life rapists, whether they are rotting in prison or not, _most likely not_, they should be the ones society looks down on, not us. _Us._

Then the dumb ass nurse comes in next and asks Nick to leave. This woman is a bottle blonde with brown extensions. Her scrubs are about two sizes too small. Her nails were done like she's from jersey or something. I'm guessing she's trying to make herself look younger, but it wasn't working. She is the only one I actually paid attention to. With a clipboard in hand she asks, "You ready for your kit?" What kind of question was that? Does she really think anyone could ever be ready for that? "I don't need one" I assured her. "Were you raped?" I didn't want to admit it to anyone especially her. I hadn't even admitted it to myself yet. I really didn't want to say it out loud. "I don't have all day honey. I was told to get you ready. It doesn't matter if you were raped or just got down with the wrong guy, it's the same thing and I get off in- "You dumb bitch!" I started shouting and Nick came running into the room. "Sex is made out of love, or a want for love and rape is made out of hate! If you think they are the same thing you obviously haven't experienced either!" I spouted off as my partner stood instinctively between us. I was angry, mostly because of _Lewis _but she got the hot end of the match and I blew up on her. She was my release. I went to sit down when she decided she could speak. "I guess that answers my question!" Nick got to her before I could a persuaded her to the door. "You better get out before she does something only one of you will regret".

After Nick assured that the broad wasn't worth my time, the real doctors came. They cleaned me up and took some blood work. I finally got his blood off of my face, but after being there for hours it had found its way into my pores. Just invading my skin like everything else. More DNA from _Lewis _was in and on my body. "Olivia?" the doctor said gaining my attention. "We will be seeing you in a couple of weeks about your nose. By then the blood work should be ready, and we will give you their results." "Okay" All I cared about was getting home and washing what's left of _William Lewis _off of me.

Nick drove me home. "Where's Cassidy? Do you want me to call him?" I didn't feel like going down that road right now. Of course I would be alone right now, Brian always had impeccable timing. I really just needed to be alone, about as much as I needed Nick to stay. "He will be home soon, must be a long night for him, I know mine was." I said to cover up a lie. "He's such an ass! To not come to your side when you need him the most? Some man he is!" Nick said with aggravation. "Look Nick, he'll be home soon, I'm really tired, I could use a little time away from him before he gets home, I'll be fi- I'll be okay." He agreed that we both could use time from Cassidy. He left hesitantly after he checked all the locks and all the windows.

I ran the coldest water possible in my bath tub and peeled my clothes off. My nude body revealed old and fresh wounds from _Lewis. _Scars from cuts and stitches. I had bruises on my neck and breasts where he grabbed me and on my stomach and legs from the table. My wrists looked like someone of a suicidal tendency had cut them from the numerous times I had been restrained by handcuffs. There was a huge bump on my nose underneath the bandages. Many things were swollen. I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted. I was sick of what I had become, _what I let myself become. _Part of me wanted to cut my hair again, _like last time, _but I don't want him to control what my hair looks like, _not again. _

I sank into the tub and stared at the ceiling because it was better than what I saw when I closed my eyes. Everything was sore and damaged, physically, mentally, and emotionally and there was nothing I could do but take it all in. Once the water started to warm and I started to prune I decided to get out. I put on the lightest thing I could find. Anything that touched my raw skin almost reduced me to tears. I'm ashamed of crying in front of Nick. I never meant for him to see me like that, but I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let something out. There's only so much that a person, even someone like me, can take before we reach our emotional break point. At least mine wasn't in front of _him_. I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling because that's all I could do to get away from my thoughts.

This is going to be a long, long night.

**Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this story! Please review and pass on to others. I'm sorry if it was too short, but there was a slight break in the story that I thought I should take before moving along. I really appreciate any reviews as this is my first time writing fan fiction. I'll respect any opinion, because it's better than no opinion. **


	3. Chapter 3

CH. THREE

**This chapter there is a little bit of a time jump of about a month to Olivia's doctor appointment. Thanks.  
**  
"Hey I'm here". Amanda said as she walked in my empty apartment. "Cassidy at work?" I appeared from my room ready for my appointment. "No, actually we broke up a while ago". "Sorry, I- "its okay, Amanda we were just a temporary fit." "Okay…. Sergeant". "Amanda you only have to call me Sergeant at work, this is personal, not work related." A soft smile suited as a response. "Let's go, I don't want to be late".

We arrived at the doctor's office and I got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I grabbed my stomach. "What's wrong Liv?" Amanda asked. "Nothing, its okay, just a little nervous I guess." I checked in and we sat in the waiting room. "You didn't have to do this." "No Olivia I did. You need someone, as a friend." Amanda said. "Thanks, it means a lot." "My nose does look better doesn't it?" "Olivia?" a nurse in colorful scrubs called my name. I nodded towards Amanda as I got up. "That's me." "Great. You'll be right down this hallway in room six" "Thanks" "Dr. Gallager will be by soon". "Okay". There it is again. A huge wave of nerves. I was fine. All they are going to do is check my nose and tell me my blood levels are normal, right?

Then a light knock on the door.

"Olivia, I am Doctor Gallager, how are you feeling?" "Uh, to be honest, a little nervous." I admitted. A little too hesitant for comfort he says "okay, well, how is your nose?" "Its fine, is there something you're not telling me?" I could read him like a book. "Okay, Olivia for the sanity of both of us, I'll just cut to the chase." An awkward pause. I was getting impatient. "Well?!" I snapped at him. "Are my levels normal?" He finally found his voice. "They are for a pregnant woman." I don't know what to say. "What? What does this mean?" "It means you are pregnant Olivia." "No! Something's wrong! You are wrong! I can't be! Not with _his_ child!"

Next came sobs.

"Are you sure, are you 100% sure?" I had a sliver of hope that the child could be Brian's. "I took a home test a couple of months ago, but it came out negative. Could it have failed and I didn't know I was pregnant this whole time?" _Please let it be Brian's. _"First of all, have you noticed any changes? Such as change of appetite, your breasts getting larger, or a missed period?" he asked. "Now that I think about it, I missed it this month. I just brushed it aside as one less thing to worry about. Besides I'm 45 so I thought I couldn't have…" I trailed off as my voice was getting shaky. "Well, I will take some more blood work and see you back in month. By then we will be able to tell how far along you are and from there we can tell who the father is. Olivia I'm going to be completely honest with you, there is about a 70, 30 chance that the child is not your boyfriend's." I dried my tears and said "Okay, thank you Dr. Gallager." "You are going to get through this Olivia, I promise. If you have any questions or concerns you know how to contact me. Godspeed." With that we were through. I wiped my face and made sure it wasn't completely obvious I had just spent the last twenty minutes crying. What am I going to tell Amanda? That everything is fine? No one is going to know until I know who the father is. Until then, I'm leaning against the odds.

I walked out into the waiting room and was joined by Amanda. "So, how is everything?" A simple and innocent question. "Fi-okay, everything is good." I lied through my teeth. Lately I've been trying to stray away from saying fine because everybody knows that it's bullshit. They have finally caught on that when I say I'm fine, I'm really not and they keep bugging me about it. On the way home Amanda and I stopped and got some coffee. While we were sitting outside drinking our iced beverages I escaped to my thoughts again as Amanda went on about Fin. If the child is Brian's do I tell him? Would it bring us back together? Do I really want that? _Of course I do, but does he? _The arrogant son of a bitch doesn't see himself growing old, HA! He'll get a rude awakening soon. What if I am carrying the child of William Lewis? Do I keep _it_? Do I raise _it_ as my own? It's not the child's fault how _it_ came about. I'm completely against abortion, pro life, but in this circumstance, it's definitely an option. Could I give this child the love that it deserves? My mother _tried_ to love me, but we were distant. She has never told me she loved me and meant it. I don't think I could do that to a child, knowing how it feels to be abandoned by a mother that you so desperately want love and affection from. I couldn't live each day waking up and looking into Lewis' eyes and telling the child that I love it, when indeed that would be a lie. How could this happen now? A time when I wanted a child so bad that I would practically stalk baby boy doe to find out when he could be adopted, because maybe, just maybe someone would finally let me have a child. It sickens me to think that that somebody could be Lewis, _or maybe it's just the baby. _

"We better get you home Olivia, it's getting late." I hadn't realized that I sat there and drowned in my sorrows and ignored Amanda for over an hour. "I really enjoyed talking to you today Olivia." _Yeah. _ I just smiled and nodded as I left her car. By the time I got home it was seven. Looks like tonight was a takeout night.

As I finished my food I realized that I really need to eat better. I eat the same greasy shit every night because I'm too ashamed to go out and face my fears and the truth. I know he is dead and that he can't hurt me or anyone else again, but I still feel that fear.

I walk into the bathroom and lift up my shirt to look at my stomach, if it was Brian's I would have a bump by now I'm sure. I didn't see any kind of bump, but I did see scars of all sorts. All but one was from Lewis. One was from when I snuck out of the house as a teenager to meet my friends. I jumped out of a hallway window. My mother was passed out drunk on the sofa. When I jumped out I landed on a dumpster and it gave way to the new pressure I had supplied. I fell through and cut my side on the jagged rusty metal of the dumpster. It needed stitches but I wasn't going to tell my mother what happened. Somehow she could read me just as well as I can read people now, if not better. Thank God I was up to date on my shots, otherwise it would've got infected.

Although all of this stress as well as the new stress made me want to drink more than ever, I won't, I couldn't, not knowingly. Somehow my mother managed to stop drinking while she was pregnant with me,_ at least to my knowledge, _so I can. I started by locking it away in a cabinet. I would dump it out, but that would be literally dumping money down the drain. Rather than drinking alcohol, I will have to drink apple juice. At least they are the same color.

A lot of changes are going to happen why not start here.

**A month has past and today is the day.**

Nick Amaro is a bull. He insisted that someone accompany me to my appointment. "No Nick, I'm a big girl I can handle this on my own." "But- "No" this time he would have to take no for an answer.

I arrive at the doctor's office at about nine in the morning. I felt nervous, either that or nauseous, or both. Definitely both. I check in and sit down. I look over at another pregnant woman with two other children with her. I don't know how she can handle all that, I can barely handle my own situation. I must have subconsciously grasped my stomach as I looked at hers because she asked me "How far along are you?" I was caught off guard. "I'm sorry?" "I could tell that you are pregnant by the way you glow." "Oh. I don't know how far along I am, that's why I am here." Motherhood is a gift, and with that gift comes great joy. Overall it's a wonderful blessing. I'm sure you and your family will be very happy, I know I am." The busy mother said as she wrangled her young ones. I just held back some tears and smiled.

"Olivia?" As I stood up to greet the nurse the joyful mother said "Good luck, you'll need it!" _Do I ever!? _"Dr. Gallager will be right with you." I was so nervous that I didn't even thank the nurse. I was anxious to find out if it was Brian's but also very scared that it would be _his. _

Soft knocks sounded from the door. "Hi Olivia are you ready for your ultrasound?" "Yes" I said hesitantly. "Great, just lay back and lift your shirt up for me." I did so. "I'm going to put some gel on your stomach, it might be cold." A silent nod followed. He rubbed the cold, blue gel all around my lower stomach. "Ah right there. Just a little peanut." "Olivia, I don't need to know how far along you are to tell you that your boyfriend isn't the father. If your boyfriend was, the child would be bigger by now and you would have a nice little bump." Complete silence came from me. I was frozen in disbelief and horror at the same time. I probably would have broken down in tears, but I prepared myself for this.

I am officially carrying the child of William Lewis.

I now understand exactly how my mother felt. The regret, the hate, the guilt. How do I tell the others? Not talk to them face to face and wait until I am about to pop and say hey guess what I'm pregnant with my rapist's child!? I won't get an abortion. I personally know what it is like to want a child so badly and not have one. I cannot keep this child. I know what it is like to not be loved by your own mother. I cannot give this child the love it deserves, I can only give it lies. With time I might learn to like the new thing growing inside of me, but for now I feel hate. Hate for letting this happen to me, hate for being like my mother, hate more than anything towards Lewis for doing this to me. I shouldn't say that I hate what is a part of me, but I do, I really do. I only hate part of it, because Lewis is growing in me as I speak and there is nothing I can morally do to stop it. The part that I hopefully will love will be the half that is me, the part that will overshadow and conquer the part of evil.

I go to the office unannounced. _Surprise. _Fin sees me first. Oh how I love fin. He has always had my back and been there when I needed him and he knew when to step back when I needed space. Something my partners never learned. "Liv! Hey! I didn't know you were stopping by." "Yeah, where is everybody?" "Amaro's in the cribs, we pulled an all-nighter, Amanda's making coffee and Murphy's in his office." "Oh, Murphy's in _my_ office? Okay." I walk over to _my_ office and meet murphy with fin behind me. "Murphy, I need my office, now." "It's my- "Fin, could be so generous as to get everyone in here. We are having a meeting." I sit down in _my _chair behind _my _desk. "Uh" he gives a look towards Murphy and then to me. "Sure thing."

Everyone has entered the office and are patiently waiting to hear what I have to say, except for Murphy. "Well, are you gonna get to it? We have work to do." I shoot him a look and he quiets down. "Okay, I'll try to keep this short. This isn't easy to say." Nick arose with concern. "Liv, what is it? What did the doctor say?" "I am pregnant. William Lewis raped me that day in the granary, and now I am carrying his child." Surprisingly I kept my composure.

Looks of shock and sorrow came from every angle.

"I know what you are all thinking. Yes I am having the child, When the time comes I'll decide to give it up for adoption. I cannot do this on my own as I do everything else. I admit I need help, I need you. All of you." Murphy was distant and I was okay with that.

We agreed that together we can get through this.

Together.

**Thank you so much for reading. I am sorry it took a while to update, I wasn't sure how I was going to end this chapter. Please review and pass on to others. I hope you all look forward to the next chapter. It will definitely be fun to write. FYI I do know that Olivia is prochoice, but in this fic she is not because her mom kept her. Once again thank you for reading, I appreciate it. **


	4. Chapter 4

CH. FOUR

**Okay. Well this took a long time to write and even longer to update. This chapter will be **_**far **_**different from the others. As far as point of view goes, parts will be from a perspective other that Olivia's. That may seem pretty crazy and risky right now but it was the best thing to do for this chapter. Hopefully you will understand that as you read. FYI there is a four month time jump, which means Olivia is six months along. **

**But first let's experience some Prego Olivia.**

_Shit_

I slowly, but as quickly as I could, got up and scanned my surroundings. 3:22 am. I still haven't gotten used to the early morning bathroom runs, or trots. I damn near peed myself on the way there. What I did get used to was the sleep, or lack of. I took it as I could get it. Somehow it was still more than I got when I was on the job. Even though I'm enjoying the time off I still miss work. I somehow miss everyone although I see at least one of them a day. They assigned each other a day. Tomorrow, today rather, is Fin's day. It gave me something to look forward to as well as a reason to keep the place clean. Murphy never came over, but that wasn't a problem for me. I'd rather keep our relationship strictly as coworkers. I would do that with everyone, but they are literally all I have. They are family and I don't know what I would do without them. I love them, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone. Because that's what happened with Elliot and I. We chose each other over the job, and that more than anything scares me. I fear the same thing will happen with the rest of us. They would do anything for me, they made that clear, and I would do the same. I owe them _everything_, I just hope that doesn't affect our choices in the future. I just need to worry about the present so I can ensure the future will be a place worthwhile. Right now, sleep is what I need.

I woke up for the fourth time around eight. I went to the fridge but of course, it was empty. I needed to get groceries on my own for once. I hardly ever left the house. On Amanda's day she would normally stop at the corner store for me. Not today. I'll go get the essentials and stuff to make lunch for Fin and I. Fin was always the picky one, if he didn't like something he'd tell you, about a week later. After all these years I should know what he likes. Hopefully. I'd like to do something for him since he does a lot for me. Sloppy Joes, that's what I'll make.

Maternity pants and leggings are my friends. They are comfortable but above all, they fit. Holy shit my breasts are big! I thought they were large before, but damn. I don't know how long they will last so I'm going to take advantage of it. Before, I was a respectable police officer who only got to show off when I was undercover but now, I can have fun. Today's outfit of choice will be practical and comfortable, something only a pregnant woman should be found acceptable in. Leggings with a shirt that had only one tight spot, right below the breasts. This outfit complimented both my obvious protruding stomach and my chest. It's a win, win situation. I look A LOT better now than in my normal home attire of shorts and an old, worn out, and now stretched out shirt of Brian's. I might have stashed a couple away so he would "accidentally" leave them. What can I say? A girl wants what a girl wants.

It was nice to have a breath of fresh air, or what's fresh for Manhattan. My breakfast was a street bagel, yum. I liked some of the looks I got. A gentleman even opened a door for me. It has been months since my face was in the news so I was hoping no one would recognize me that way. Without fail a couple of people did, I could tell. They would double take at my face and then look at my stomach and instantly pity me. I could tell by the little eye contact they gave me. I wasn't going to let that bother me because I was going to enjoy the positive attention.

I made my way through the store and got what I needed. Toilet paper, eggs, ground beef, seasonings, peanut butter, buns, paper towels, and deodorant. It was nice to get this on my own. Its awkward and embarrassing to have a coworker get you supplies, at least its Amanda that helps with that.

By the time I was done shopping it was about eleven o'clock. I needed to get home soon so I could cook us lunch.

I reached my hall with my hands full. I searched through my purse to find my keys. When I finally found them it was a struggle to get around my three bags and rather large stomach. I ended up dropping my keys. "Dammit" I said as a familiar voice approached me from behind. "Miss, do you need help?" I turned around to see Brian staring at me. "Bri-"Oh my God Liv!?" _Didn't expect to see my ex-lover today, surprise. _"What are you doing here?" I said a harsher than I intended. "I, uh" he said while staring at my stomach. "Yes Brian, I am pregnant, I thought that was obvious enough for you". "I, uh, I came to see you, this might be a bad time." He said as he handed me the keys. "Come" I said. We walked down the hall to my door. "Now is as good a time as any. You could wait a few months but right now I'm in the best mood possible. Showing up later really won't help you. Come in". We walked into my apartment, the one we used to call ours. He seemed shocked by how the place had changed. "It looks a lot nicer without all your junk laying around huh?" He was still fixated on my stomach. "Don't sit there and waste my time, get to what you came for. I have someone coming over soon." I said, irritated. He finally looked me in the eyes and spoke. "Who?" "If you must know, Fin is coming over for lunch." I said as I unpacked my bags. "Well?" "Uh" "Why don't you put yourself to use and put these away, you know where I keep them." I said as I handed him the toiletries. I wasn't embarrassed to have him go to my bedroom to put them away, after all it did use to be his room too.

I'm sure when he went into my bathroom to put the toilet paper away he saw the multiple boxes of pregnancy tests. I had left the empty box that I threw across the room in anger and disbelief on floor. There was also two other boxes. One was between the sink and toilet with a few missing from it. The remaining one was unopened and under the sink. They were all different brands. The one by the toilet was from the pregnancy scare with Brian. The empty one across the room was from my first appointment. After Amanda drove off I waited until she was out of sight and went to the drug store to buy tests, this time I decided to try different brands, just to be sure. I was a complete and udder mess. I ran to the bathroom examined myself in the mirror then peed on a hand full of sticks, as sell as my hand. I was crying and panicking. The news I just heard couldn't be true. I was exhausted. All of my emotions took over my body and I threw up the Chinese I just ate. As I waited for the results of the tests I laid my physically ill body on the floor. I spent that night in my bathroom. When I awoke hours later to positive tests I shoved the remaining box under the sink and gave up. It was true and I had a lot of decisions to make.

When Brian finally came back I was beginning to make lunch. I was really just making sloppy Joes because I wanted them ever since I saw some on the food network. Hopefully Fin will like them. "So, I came by to see how you were doing, I mean after Lewis and everything. I feel terrible because right after I left _this_ all happened to you." He said. "You are right Brian. You are a coward. Rather than manning up and facing life you runaway. Do you know what kind of hell you put me through? Or are you too selfish to care? Do you know what it's like to listen to your boyfriend have sex with other women, while your partner is giving you pitiful looks?" "Liv." I shot him a look. "Olivia, that was work and you know it. Besides how do you think I felt? _You_ brought Amaro into _our _home while I was at work. You could've been bangin him in _our_ bed for all I know!" "Brian! He's my partner! He has a daughter! I would never do that and you know it! I loved you! I _loved _you and I thought you felt the same way but evidently that's not true." I said as my voice started to crack. "I thought I did but you were keeping too many things from me." My voice got light. "Brian. Why would you want to live with what I went through? Trust me you don't want those thoughts and images going through your head. Lewis is in my head, not yours, and for your sake I'll keep it that way. You have a choice, I didn't. You don't need his control over you too." Silence. He was looking at my stomach again. "One thing I will tell you is" I wiped away a tear. "William Lewis raped me, and I am, carrying his child. You don't have to worry, it's not yours. If that is what you really came for, you can leave." I said as I walked towards the door. "I'm sorry Olivia, I really am." "Just leave." With that, my unexpected visitor left.

While I was in the bathroom wiping my face, Fin let himself in. They all had keys now, just in case. "Hey!" I thought Brian was back. "Seriously, Brian, what the hell I told you to get lost!" I said as I entered the room. "Oh, Fin, sorry, uh, I made lunch!" I said trying to change his thoughts. "Brian?" he said, the confusion in his voice was apparent. "Yeah, He decided to stop by out of the blue." "Why?" "It turns out he thought this child was his, but of course he had to waste my time first. We got into an argument about old shit and I assured him it's not his and I kicked him out." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I hope you like sloppy Joe." We ate lunch and talked for a while. Fin told me what he remembers from when they had Ken. "Just enjoy everything. You will be a great mom Olivia." I gave Fin a grateful look. "I know I would, but not for this child. This child isn't going to live how I did." "Even with how your mother treated you, you turned out good." "Thanks." He looked at his phone. "Looks like Murphy." He answered it. "Yeah? Okay. I'll be there soon." "He wants you back?" "Yeah. Thanks for lunch Liv. Take it easy okay?" "Sure thing." We shared a hug just before he left.

**Hours have passed. Now this is the weird transition to an unknown narrator. This starts out at Rikers. **

"You have to do it Mondo. Now. Today. You know where to find the bitch. Go."

They both hung up the prison phone and went their opposite ways.

**Back at Olivia's apartment. **

"Damn, where's the pickles?" Olivia said as she searched her cupboards. "I thought I had some." She decided that even though it was about eleven o'clock she would go to the store. She went to the store by herself earlier today, why not now. "I got peanut butter earlier why didn't I pick up pickles too?" She was having yet another late night craving. She got dressed and headed out the door.

"It's a bit late for a woman like yourself to be out, isn't it? You should've gotten your husband to come out." said the store clerk. "He's at work." Olivia lied. "Be safe." "Thanks." Olivia said as she grabbed her bag.

She exited the store and started to walk home.

Olivia soon felt a strong force grab her from the side and pull her into an alley. "What the hell!" He threw her onto the ground. "Shut up!" She landed on her left shoulder. She didn't like the way it felt when she landed. It was obviously hurt. She didn't land on her stomach and that's all that mattered.

"What do want? Money? I don't care if it will get me bad looks, I'll go buy you cigarettes or beer. Beer?" Olivia pleaded. "I'll give you my pickles!?"

He finally spoke as Olivia stood up. "I don't want your pickles bitch, I want you." "What? What do you mean?" "I want you." He said as he rolled up his sleeves. She noticed his arms in the darkly lit alley. _Nice tats. Bx9. _"I want you to pay for what you did." He said distracting her from his arms. "You put my best man behind bars for fuckin a bitch." He said. "If you want to be pissed at anyone it should be Carlos, not me. He's the one who has done wrong and he is right where he belongs. Judging by how you call all woman bitches, you are going to end up the same way." The street thug quickly realized that showing his tattoos was the wrong decision. She could now identify him and he had to make sure she dies.

Olivia wasn't sure how the hell she was going to get out of this, if at all.

Mondo swung at Olivia, aiming straight for her stomach. She quickly moved out of the way, grabbing his arm and punching him in the stomach with all her might. As he stumbled he punched her in the throat. She shoved him as hard as she could and he fell against a dumpster. This bought Olivia a _very_ short amount of time. She was thrown into a fit of coughing. She quickly pulled out her phone and texted Nick. Something that would get the message across that she was in danger. She had just enough time to type 1034 and press send. (Assault in progress)

Olivia looked up when she heard a noise from his direction. Mondo had a pipe in his hand. He swung it at her and it hit her hand, sending her phone flying into a brick wall. Next was a blow straight to the jaw.

Olivia's now limp body was sent backwards against the hard pavement. Blood came pouring out of her mouth. The thug proceeded hitting Olivia repeatedly with the pipe. When he got tired of that he pulled out a knife and stabbed her once in the stomach. His placement was slightly thought through. He jabbed the knife directly to the left of her belly button.

Olivia was left alone in an alley as she slowly bled out, internally as well as externally.

**Back at the station.**

_Zzzt zzzt. _Nick's phone vibrates.

Nick looks puzzled. "Fin! Track Olivia's phone. Now!"

"What?" "She sent me a text. Something's wrong." "What did she say?" Fin asked as he typed away. "1034" They both looked at each other and then at the computer.

**Olivia's current location.**

Olivia laid unconscious in the dark alley at what, by now was midnight. There were sirens in the distance. The store clerk heard them and feared they were for Olivia. He ran down the sidewalk looking in each alley with a flashlight until he found her.

"Oh my God." He said when he saw the knife sticking out of her baby belly. "Blood, there's so much blood!" He ran out into the street to direct the ambulance to her when it finally arrived.

"She's in there." He pointed to the alley. "10-40 possible DOA" said the EMT into his radio.

Next Murphy and Nick drove up followed by Amanda and Fin. "Hey she's got a pulse! Hank give me a hand!" said one EMT to another. They lifted Olivia onto the stretcher "Whatever you do don't pull that knife out." Olivia's squad watched as they put her into the bus. Nick jumped in with them "Send CSU then meet us there." The squad followed the ambulance.

On the way to hospital Olivia gained consciousness long enough to finger Bx9 into the palm of Nick's hand before passing out once again.

"10-9 what's your status?" muffled the radio. "10-16 En route to Bellevue."

**Thank you so much for reading! Please review and pass on to others. I know some of you were looking forward to the delivery and labor, but there is always next chapter! I REALLY need reviews this chapter, more than any other. This chapter was so different that I need to know if it was a mistake writing it this way or not. If you can't obviously tell, I don't really like Brian. I have always wanted to add Bx9 back into the pot but didn't really know where to. I think Lewis would've said something to Carlos to get revenge on Olivia because they both have a grudge against her. Once again thank you. **


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